I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
