rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
