A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
