i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
