Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
