don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
