I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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