My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
