He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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