i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
