so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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