I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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