Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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