someone get that fucking seahorse.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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