Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dicks are not precious.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
