My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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