so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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