so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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