my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
