i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
