What did we do last night that was yellow?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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