so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
