i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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