Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
