My Higher Power is John Stamos
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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