I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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