I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize