im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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