her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
