I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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