Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
