Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
