why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
