I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
