This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize