Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
