I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
