how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
