stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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