someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize