they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
