Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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