Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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