The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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