i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Randomize
