So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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