Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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