He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we're making bets on your personal life
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Randomize
