I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
