All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize