we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
