Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
