oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize