My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
