we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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