Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
