...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
